By DANNY YOEONO
Wednesday, March 9
At 3:26 a.m., a man was lying down with his pants down, unresponsive, on the ground next to the Fresh Start Restaurant. Probably just wanted to be first in line for some delicious breakfast.
At 8 a.m., a man in his 20s was removing his clothes and bathing himself in the McDonald’s bathroom. I, too, like to wash my hands before I eat.
Just before 3:30 p.m., an elderly man was seen walking back and forth in the street on Morello Avenue and Marie Avenue.
A little more than an hour later, a woman described as a 5’6” bleach blonde in her 20s was out in the rain “playing with something in the gutter” on Arnold Drive. I need to hang out in gutters more often.
Thursday, March 10
A quarter after 5 p.m., a tree fell on a car.
Around 8:30 p.m., a man equipped with a lighter attempted to set a bench on fire at the Martinez Adult School on F Street.
More than an hour later, police assisted the John Muir Inn staff with an unwelcome male who was masturbating in public areas. Seriously man, just get a room.
Friday, March 11
Just before noon, a man wearing a rag on his head was pacing around, screaming and talking to himself on F Street.
At 2:26 p.m., a man was getting some exercise shadow boxing without a shirt in front of Whiskey Lane on Ferry Street.
Just over an hour later a man in all blue was beating on the door of what was previously the Bank of America building on Main Street. The man was also dropping his dark blue pants and exposing himself to the area; in economic terms, this is called a run on the bank.
At 7:02 p.m., a man laid down on the floor of the Jack In the Box restaurant on Alhambra Avenue. He was described as wearing blue scrubs, in his 60s to 70s and “maybe drunk.”
Before the 11 p.m. Wal-Mart closing time, a man with a shaved head, and neck tattoos was seen through store surveillance stuffing his jeans with a flashlight and other unpaid merchandise. He should take that flashlight and do some soul searching.
Saturday, March 12
At 1:09 a.m., fresh egg was discovered on the side a Roberts Court resident’s home – the ultimate crime.
At 4:12 p.m., a woman described as looking “out of it” sat naked in her car for two hours at the Wendy’s on Alhambra Avenue.
Sunday, March 13
At noon, a large pile of garbage was dumped on Bush Street and La Salle Street.
At 10:17 p.m., a woman at the Susana St. Park awoke from being “passed out” and proceeded to curse at a passerby who then reported her.
Monday, March 14
At 12:06 p.m., a man wearing a yellow hat was outside the new Panda Express on Arnold Drive screaming and yelling for no apparent reason, but I would speculate it’s because his lunch of Mongolian beef must’ve been way too spicy.
At 5:30 p.m., a man with a brown jacket and a walker was reportedly intoxicated and refused to leave the Wells Fargo Bank on Main Street.
Around 8 p.m., a man and woman were asked to leave the Jack In the Box on Alhambra Avenue after they had used the restroom together.
They left towards the Lotus apartment complex.
Tuesday, March 15
In the early hours of the morning, three loads of laundry were stolen from the Hillside Apartments on F Street. If you or someone you know is wearing clothes that have been washed recently and probably smell good, turn yourselves in to the authorities.
At 7:12 p.m., a woman at the Kaiser health facility on Muir Road was “talking crazy about lasers and diseases.”