By DANNY YOEONO
Wednesday, March 30
It was reported at 7:09 a.m. that a woman was screaming in people’s faces and acting crazy near the Harbor Master’s office.
Suspicious circumstances were reported at the Amtrak station around 7:30 a.m., when a man in sunglasses and a blue suit made remarks about a bomb in his suitcase. This same man was also howling like a wolf. Must’ve been a full moon.
A few minutes after 3 p.m., a man and a woman were purportedly hootin’ and hollerin’ at each other for at least 10 minutes in Alhambra Creek near Ward Street.
Nearly an hour later, deer were disturbed by a dirt bike rider on the hill by Ilene Street.
At 5:30 p.m., an ice cream truck allegedly almost drove over the foot of a child on Brown and Ferry streets. I cannot believe I missed the icecream truck … again.
Three minutes later, Wal Mart snitched on one of its customers, reporting that a man with a goatee wearing a green tank top with a marijuana leaf on it was concealing merchandise and had opened a new pair of scissors from the store. Hopefully the scissors were to cut up that awful tank top.
Thursday, March 31
A woman wearing a Chicago Bulls basketball vest was reported to have been threatening and verbally abusive with customers outside the Starbucks on Main Street just before 1:30 p.m. Probably just mad she had a Chicago Bulls vest instead of an actual jersey.
Friday, April 1
A suspicious person report was filed at 4:21 a.m. when a man was awoken by noises outside his home only to find someone asleep at his front door. If the man at the front door was asleep, I wonder what the noises were that woke the resident up. More wolf howling, perhaps?
At 9:40 a.m., a man was in front of Wendy’s on Alhambra Avenue doing push-ups in the roadway. He later moved to the grassy area by the adult school. This is how you respect a Wendy’s.
A possible service dog (though not clearly marked) was jumping onto its owner’s table at the Copper Skillet restaurant at 11:12 a.m. Probably just wanted some of the delicious breakfast they serve there.
Saturday, April 2
At 10:36 a.m., a man in a hospital gown reportedly peed in the bushes by the West-America Bank at Muir Station, then went into Bagel Street Cafe to have breakfast.
Around 9 p.m., a man was seen laying down on the grass next to the Alhambra High School sign. It’s what you do when you’ve peaked in high school, just a little reminiscing.
Sunday, April 3
Nearly half an hour into the new day, three males and two females entered Ray’s Lounge and immediately attempted to start fights with patrons of the establishment. When they got bounced, they loitered outside the bar and continued their quest to start a fight.
At approximately 9:40 a.m., an explosion was heard at the corner of Alhambra Avenue and Soto Street. Some residents ran out of their homes onto the street. Following the explosion, there was a PG&E outage between Brown and Allen streets.
Just after 8 p.m., a 70 year-old bald man in hospital attire, including the wristband, was reportedly spraying “everything” with WD-40 while his pants kept falling down at the Shell gas station on Alhambra Avenue.
About 15 minutes before 9 p.m., a person was seen “putting live chickens under tires in (the Alhambra Safeway) parking lot.” I wish there were more context to this.
Monday, April 4
Just after 8 a.m., two boxers were seen running across Alhambra Avenue near Brown Street. They were probably just training for a big fight. Just kidding … I know they were dogs but I can dream, can’t I?
Minutes passed 5:30 p.m., a young woman, seemingly intoxicated, was swearing at passersby of the Citrus Salon on Main Street. I swear you will get a good haircut there.
Tuesday, April 5
At 1:20 p.m, a resident reported to have seen a man cross through and proceed to start “cooking up something with a bowl and lighter.” Probably heating up some chili, an oxymoron.
At 3 p.m., a woman was seen laying in the bushes wrapped around a tree to the left of the Alhambra Safeway.
An hour later, a petty theft report was filed as a thin woman was seen driving a U-Haul rental vehicle down North Peak Place and Sweetwater Drive, taking roughly half a dozen flowers from each yard she passed. Is growing flowers really that hard?
A man in his mid 20s, wearing a vest and lying on the floor apparently acting intoxicated, was slow to comply with instructions to leave the Church of God of Prophecy on Palm Avenue.