By DANNY YOEONO
The crime blotter is compiled from public record and is not confirmed by Martinez Police or any other party unless otherwise stated. Some accounts may be unfounded.
Wednesday, July 13
At 2:40 a.m., a resident of Twinflower Court noticed at least two people talking on his porch. They were wearing all black clothing and painted white face masks. Which is strange because the Purge is supposed to be in November.
Just after 6:30 a.m., two dead deer were found on Shell Avenue, not responding. One of the eternally sleeping deer had a possible bullet wound, which may have led to its death.
A woman was found sleeping on the sidewalk on Haven Street near 7 a.m.
A blond-haired man who purportedly stole a bag of chips from the Main Street Starbucks last week was back in the same Starbucks at 9:40 a.m.. This time he left empty handed.
Thirty minutes past noon, a woman and man were heard on Brown Street with the female shouting, “Ouch!” and the male yelling at her to shut up. Sounds like my brother and sister fighting.
Nearly an hour later, a man with “crazy hair” and no shirt was chasing kids through the marina.
A homeless woman entered a building at Marina Vista, dropped the items she was carrying then proceeded to yell at the occupants inside at around 2 p.m. That’s considered unloading physically and emotionally.
A man with long grey hair was drinking from a box of wine behind the Quik Stop on Alhambra Avenue around 4 p.m.
A man with a white beard was walking in and out of traffic while talking to himself at the Virginia Hills Shopping Center on Alhambra Avenue, also around 4 p.m.
A man around 30 years old was approaching strangers on Brown Street and trying to talk to them just before 6 p.m., which is quiet time.
At 6:46 p.m., a man in khaki pants was expressing himself obscenely and swearing inside the Safeway grocery store closest to the high school. Multiple customers were reported to have addressed Safeway store management concerning Jake from State Farm.
A robbery occurred before 7 p.m. at the crossing of Berrellesa and Buckley streets. A couple was shoved by a man in blue shorts, who then took their keys.
At 7 p.m., a large explosion was heard by Robinson and Estudillo streets. The person who reported the sound believed it was caused by a meth lab, which will definitely drive down local quantity supplies leading to a higher meth market price – that is, if all other things are held constant, ceteris paribus.
Around 7 p.m., a Mellus Street resident claimed to have fallen asleep for 30 seconds and awoken to 10 pounds of beef missing from his refrigerator. He also claimed he did not know how a perpetrator might have gotten in considering his doors were locked. There is only one Martinez citizen with the skills and motive to carry out this crime – me.
At 10:40 p.m., a group of juveniles were throwing eggs, hot dogs and bananas at homes and vehicles on Elderwood Drive. Racially insensitive remarks were also thrown at residents.
Thursday, July 14
At 5:41 a.m., a suspicious person was reportedly smoking something while crouched down in the back corner of the outdoor sitting area of the Cinco de Mayo restaurant on Pacheco Boulevard. Probably smoking some beef for a burrito.
A child was almost run over on Howe Road while street luging down the hill near Parkway Drive around 11 a.m.
Some kids in a mini-van were shooting a pellet gun into Alhambra Avenue near Castro Street near 1 p.m.
Around the DA’s office, a bag was found with a meth pipe, cell phone and computer device inside. A very tech savvy meth head may pick up his belongings in jail, I suppose.
Around 5 p.m., a suspicious man carrying a box of sneakers was doing suspicious activities on Castro Street. These activities included shattering a fluorescent light bulb, throwing food, looking into parked cars, and asking strangers for a bike or drugs.
Friday, July 15
A man in a green beanie was spotted on a 24-hour bender outside the Chevron gas station on Morello Avenue. Originally noticed on the 14th, the perpetual partier repeatedly bought beer, consuming it while hiding in the bushes on the gas station premise.
At 12:11 p.m., it must have been really hot because a man was seen removing all of his clothes just outside the County Hospital front entrance.
A woman reported that at an unknown time, someone had rummaged through her dirty laundry that was in the back of her car taking a blue sweater and a green coat. The victim said that she “believes someone doesn’t want her to keep covered.”
A grab-and-run robbery case was opened and shut quickly at the Walgreens on Alhambra Avenue at 7:43 p.m., when a tattooed man snagged several tubs of protein powder, amounting to $60 in theft. The suspect was immediately identified having picked up a prescription moments earlier from the Walgreens pharmacy, which had required the showing of his driver license. Dude.
Saturday, July 16
A house party was reported at 9 p.m. on Grandview Avenue. Teens were observed in the dozens wearing backpacks, which must be the newest youth trend.
A pregnant woman and her husband were walking in the Arnold Drive and Old Orchard Road area when they were assaulted by a car full of several teens who threw “rocks and other hard objects,” which must be another new kid trend, which I do not condone.
Sunday, July 17
At 11:25 a.m., a neighbor noise dispute occurred on Eagle Nest Drive. Loud music was blasting from one residence and when threatened with the possibility of the annoyed neighbor calling the police, the music player said that she would turn the music back up as soon as the police left.
At 12:06 p.m., Main Street Plaza was briefly occupied by a person described as “acting crazy downtown.”
An altercation was seen on F Street and Alhambra Avenue between a man and a woman. The man pushed the woman, who retaliated by throwing her drink onto him, which probably didn’t lead to a stain because they were last seen headed in the direction of the laundromat.
Monday, July 18
Just before 9 a.m., a male transient was inside the Starbucks on Main Street yelling at customers, because sometimes coffee isn’t enough to really wake you up Monday morning.
Tuesday, July 19
At 6:48 p.m., a bare torso man was throwing his shoes around repeatedly while he was being orbited by high school-aged kids.